


Undeserved

by wormghoul



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Almost like a comedy of errors, First Meetings, M/M, Soulmate AU, but with more self deprecating!barba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 14:25:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14833977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wormghoul/pseuds/wormghoul
Summary: After more than forty years, Rafael Barba meets his soulmate. Unfortunate.





	Undeserved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatfandomkid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatfandomkid/gifts).



> happy late graduation enjoy aaaaaaaaaa
> 
>  
> 
> I wrote this half drunk after 2 g&t’s and it shows...ur welcome

Some lucky people find their soulmate when they’re young, and most have found them by college or grad school, but Rafael’s head was decidedly empty. You were supposed to hear when your soulmate thought about you, almost like overhearing gossip; from there you would form a thought bond, able to hear each other always, as invisible companions until you finally met. When he was younger (much younger) Rafael dreamed of the day when he’d hear another voice call out: _I wonder what he’s doing? Does he like the color blue? Where does he go to school?_ He’d wanted to hear something, anything, but after a life of lonely headspace, Rafael was resigned to the idea that he just didn’t have another half floating out there, waiting.

He’d stopped calling out to them when he was twenty-five. Rafael ceased his daily ritual of waking up, brushing his teeth, having coffee, and finally whispering a good morning to the void. He made the choice on a chilly October morning, thirty-two seconds after he quit his job in private practice. It was his life, damn it! He was going to live it exactly how he wanted to: he’d change the world as a prosecutor, he’d buy nicer clothes and get his own apartment, and he wasn’t going to wait with baited breath for someone who seemed not to care about him to break into his head and rattle his skull.

So what if it made him a little jaded and bitter two decades later? Rafael had what he wanted, what he really wanted. He was a powerhouse in the courtroom and the most stylish in the office, he had a few good friends, he drank nice scotch...he was content.

That was, of course, until one chilly October evening when he heard a nervous _“Hello?”_ echo in his empty head.

Rafael was so shaken that he lost his grip of the novel he was reading and sent the first edition Walter Barnes classic tumbling to the floor. The thump was practically silent compared to that little “hello” as it still echoed in his ears. The sound of his other half finally, _finally_ showing up should have brought joy, but no, there was just worry and something akin to a fledgling migraine. Rafael couldn’t tell if that was the bond forming or if it was just his own unique cosmic punishment. He took a breath, trying and failing to calm himself.

“Hello?” He called back, voice and thoughts shaking

_“Oh, thank god, there’s someone here,”_ was what he received in return. The voice was light with relief but overly thick with an almost stereotypical Staten Island accent. Rafael wondered if perhaps that was what was causing the headachey feeling.

_“Hey!”_ His soulmate shouted, _“My accent’s just fine and my ma’s told me I’ve got a voice like church bells.”_ the voice was playful, if not a bit cocky.

Rafael groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, having completely forgotten that someone could now hear his judging thoughts. It had been all but two minutes and Rafael’s soulmate had inspired mostly irritation. He was in his mid forties, he thought he’d damn well earned the right to think whatever he wanted, even if it meant instantly insulting the love his life, _apparently_ , so who was this other man to judge in return?

_“You can call “this other judgey man” Sonny, if you like.”_ His soulmate responded to the question Rafael accidently asked. Sonny sounded bright like his namesake, and Rafael could hear the smile in the other man’s voice. A warm, sunshiney feeling blossomed in his stomach as he tried to picture the smile; in his mind's eye, it was it was wide and earnest and...suddenly, the feeling soured.

Not only could he picture the smile perfectly, he could almost picture the whole man. He’d always thought of his soulmate as being tall and broad chested with strong features, like an aquiline nose. Sonny probably fit the bill and more. He probably had that protective streak his mami said he would need in a soulmate. From the few words they’d exchanged he sounded kind and good natured, rolling with an insult that might have sent anyone else to see a specialist to sever their bond. Quietly, and to himself (thank you very much), Rafael thought about that old adage that said “opposites attract”. The sour feeling practically fermented, twisting Rafael’s stomach.

He held no illusions about who he was, about who he’d become since he last thought seriously about his soulmate. But now, barely hearing the thoughts of another man over the sound of blood rushing in his ears, Rafael paused and took stock of himself and what he had to offer Sonny.

Bitterness, cynicism, sarcasm, and insults.

A jaded old man with a narrow future and the beginnings of a drinking problem.

By that math, Sonny was young, with a bright future and he had, well, a sunny disposition.

There was a reason Rafael closed himself off long ago. He glimpsed his future in a puddle on the street years ago when he stood outside his old office having freshly quit that morning. He saw it and accepted it. More than that even, he embraced it as the path he should take. And there were no second chances in life, no go backs, no do overs. Even if there were, looking back, Rafael didn’t think he’d deserve one. Sonny said something else he didn’t hear, and Rafael steeled himself.

“Sonny? Who the hell is named Sonny?” Rafael asked, purposely lacing his mental voice with something akin to indignation. Their bond was quiet for a moment, crackling like soft tv static as Sonny likely pondered the question. A swell of self denying victorious pride built in the back of Rafael’s mind as the silence stretched out. But it was shattered by a laugh, a horribly good natured laugh.

_“Did you even hear anything else I said?”_ Where Rafael would have said that with irritation, Sonny chuckled again. _“My name’s Dominick. But don’t you dare call me Dom, cause that’s my dad’s name and I prefer Sonny anyways.”_ Rafael fought back the perhaps biologically spurred warmth that built back up in his gut, replacing it with burning questions that belied his bitterness.

“Why are you here now? Where have you been hiding for forty years, Sonny?” In any other context that may sound like a breathless plea to a lost lover, or a declaration of victory over patience, but it wasn’t. Rafael bit out the words like a _gotcha!_ question during cross examination. Because even as he’d fought to stop thinking, lest his soulmate hear, Rafael completed the logic puzzle nestled on the back burner of his brain.

He wasn’t a soulmate worth having. He barely wanted to come home to himself at night, he couldn’t imagine finding comfort in someone like himself and he had a sneaking suspicion that sometimes even his friends couldn’t stomach him. Sonny may have known this instinctually, which was why he smartly kept himself at bay. Plenty of people had no soulmate, never met them, or just flat out hated them. Love and marriage outside of the bonds was common and accepted. There was no reason for someone surely as good as Sonny to subject himself to the fate that was Rafael Barba.

Sonny was quiet for more than a few moments. Rafael tried to settle back into the emptiness, but now it didn’t fit. There was someone out there for him, whether he likes it or not, and he’d likely just thrown it away. But wasn’t that what he wanted in the first place?

_“Well, I’m only in my thirties, so give me like ten years worth of slack, please.”_

Levity.

Rafael heard it slide out to barely cover something else, like embarrassment or confusion maybe. Rafael was closer to fifty than thirty, he wouldn’t be shocked if he needed to grant the kid more than ten years of slack. Guilt crept into the tension pulling on Rafael’s shoulders. He’d given up on his soulmate before the kid went to college. His unreceptive attitude could very well have blocked a bond forming. For what he sounded like, all eager and bright eyed even given the way Rafael had treated him already, he’d probably been pining for a long time, hurting over the quiet space where love belonged for some. If he still considered himself Catholic, Rafael might damn himself to hell for that.

He couldn’t do this. He wouldn’t do this.

“Sonny,” he started softly, like he was trying not to spook a baby deer.

_“Don’t break the bond yet,” Sonny interrupted. “I know you want to, I can feel it, y’know. Just give it a chance. We’ve been waiting a long time, give it a day? At least wait until the headache subsides, maybe?”_ There was a nervous pause, like Rafael could feel the uncertainty coursing through the other man. _“Besides, I hear the procedure is easier if you wait a few days, too.”_ A different kind of levity emerged, the kind that felt like defeat.

Rafael considered saying no. He thought about making a morning appointment with a cognitive specialist and freeing Sonny from a wasted soulmate. Having a soulmate shouldn’t feel like a pyrrhic victory, like thinking you heard a gunshot only to realize it was your car backfiring.

He couldn’t give Sonny much, but he could give him a few days, he could give him a coup de grace.

“I think you may be right, Sonny, we’ve been waiting a long time.” He admitted. Rafael felt a surge of peace and happiness from Sonny, an admittedly foreign amalgam. It bolstered him for what he had to say next. “So for now, perhaps, you can call me Rafael.”

  
Sonny and Rafael had said quick goodnights after that. Rafael had been right about the migraine coming from the formation of a bond, and it continued to grow in severity until it demanded that he went to bed. When he woke up the next morning, Rafael half expected to be on his couch or at his desk in his home office, having fallen asleep while doing work and having had a wild dream. But when he shuffled into his kitchen to make coffee, the book he was reading last night sat askew on his floor, right where he had dropped it when Sonny showed up. Speaking of the devil, a soft _“Good morning, Rafael.”_ was whispered to him, likely from somewhere on Staten Island. Watching the coffee swirl around the French press, Rafael realized it was going to be a long day.

-

“I’d like to introduce our new detective,” Liv told him in the elevator, revealing what was likely her real motive for dragging him down to the precinct first thing in the morning. Sure there was always paperwork to be signed, but despite popular opinion, the fax machine still existed and the one in the 16th’s office worked just fine. He didn’t have to be here where the coffee was terrible and the headaches are plenty; he’d been so off kilter this morning he’d only had one cup at home and the bond headache still hadn't dissipated yet. Rafael considered telling Olivia what happened, but her ulterior motive set him at unease. Besides, it was a few days. A week at most. Then he’d conveniently take a few sick days and return to work. She didn’t have to know, even if she was his closest friend.

As they reached their floor, Rafael shot Olivia a weak look of irritation, but she just rolled her eyes and smirked, he was here and she had won. He marked that down in his mental tallybook and vowed to resettle the score.

“Please, Rafa, just...give him a chance.” She asked before leading him out of the elevator.

Stepping into the precinct proper, he heard the new detective before he saw him. A loud Staten Island accent made its way to his ears like sandpaper, as it argued with Rollins about pastries. Rafael grimaced. It was hard enough at times to work with SVU - they were a veritable collection of loose cannon but well intentioned vigilantes - but the new guy was going to be resident courier and ass-kisser. It made Rafael wonder what he’d done to deserve a Jersey Shore drop out beating his door down at least once per work day when he already had another one taking residence in his head as of last night. As such, he didn’t even try to feign politeness when Liv called the man over.

“Carisi, this is ADA Barba, the lead prosecutor for most of our cases,” Liv smiled first at Carisi, then at Rafael. The smile to Carisi was neutral, while the one he received was more like a mother threatening her son not to embarrass her in front of her friends.

When Carisi turned and looked at him, his eyes went wide and his lips parted slightly under the most terrible mustache Rafael had seen since he lived in the Bronx. Despite that, Rafael had to admit to himself that those eyes were pretty; they were blue like the ocean and their wonder and wide amazement made that ocean lap nicely at the horizon of his pupils. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to see him run the interoffice errands. When Carisi closed his mouth and licked his lips as if to speak, Rafael did what he did best: opened his own mouth and beat him to the punch.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m sure” he said flatly, not even extending a hand to shake before turning away, “It’s good to see the squad not so short staffed, Liv.”

Carisi’s eyes went wider than before, if that was physically possible. But Rafael didn’t really notice it over trying to parse what Olivia had just said to him mixed with the sound of Sonny in the back of his head whining that he should have shaved this morning. It was going to be a long few days if they were picking up random thoughts already. Rafael sighed.

“Rafael?” Olivia chastised gently, noticing he hadn’t responded. Behind them, Carisi blanched. “I said you should get along with Carisi, he’s in law school after all.”

“Yeah, uh, it’s Fordham, nights.” He stammered out, looking quite sheepish for such a tall man.

“Well then,” Rafael squared himself up and offered the new detective a hand to shake “I suppose we might get along then, _counselor_.” He offered the title laden with snark to preemptively remind the detective of his place. But Carisi just laughed and shook Rafael’s hand, saying:

_“You can just call me Sonny, if you like.”_

Thank god Olivia had walked away to answer a ringing phone because Rafael yanked his hand away from her new detective like it burned him.

There were likely to be very few men in Manhattan whose preferred name was _Sonny_. Rafael really took stock of the new dectecive this time. He was suitably tall and broad shouldered with smile lines creasing the corners of those blue eyes. Above the collar of a shirt a size too large was a defined jaw and above that was the hideous mustache and a strong nose. And a laughter like church bells was still ringing in his ears when Rafael finally felt himself accepting what he had realized. Carisi realized it too and smiled. It was bright, wide, and earnest, just as Rafael had expected.

“Rafael?” Carisi asked tentatively, hands twitching uselessly at his side. There was no protocol for this, there was no hand gesture in the world that could cover what was sitting in the professional distance between them.

“I think we have wait more than a few days, before doing anything about that bond, now.” Rafael said with a light smirk as the other man turned positively pink with blush.

“Oh, well then,  _hello_ ,” Carisi, no, _Sonny_ , laughed breathlessly. It was a much more confident second introduction and Rafael let the warmth in his chest bloom fully this time. It wasn’t love at first sight, the mustache would have to go for that to ever happen. If possible though, it was more than just that. It was a new beginning waiting for him. It was a sign not to give up on the depressing and grisly work of Special Victims. It was validation and a promise that everything was going to be fine.

Years later, Rafael would realize something else about that day. As he sat across from Sonny in what was now their living room, each quietly reading, Rafael noticed that on a night much like this, he was very right, he didn’t get what he deserved when it came to his soulmate, because he got something better.


End file.
